Panama Papers expose Putin's neighbor's cat!

Where do the cat treats come from? A contraband post office box in the US?

Florian SCHAAR

In Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau, April 8, 2016

Satire translated from German by Tom Winter

9000 British companies and 6000 American ones are expected to show up in the Panama Papers. The reader of the reputable Western news magazines might be nervous that something might go wrong in our world. 

But there is an all-clear as the whistleblowers assure us that some of the contents will remain secret, and fortunately, just in time for western ears, there are also, completely sufficient charges against the Russian supervillain Vladimir Putin!

It now turns out that Putin's neighbor's cat had a post office box in the country of birth of John McCain, through which his contraband Wiskas Cat Treats got smuggled past the liberal Western sanctions against Russia. It is impossible that Putin knew nothing about this. 

Finally, there is photographic evidence, with intimate expressions of love, between the errant Ivan and the bewhiskered little beastie. [Photo above]

But that is still far from everything. Because then this evidence would be pretty thin. The investigative journalists of the Suddeutsche Zeitung have found that the cat has more outstanding connections to the Russian despot.

 So this comes from association of a Smolensk potato farmer who supplies a supermarket chain with peeled potatoes, where the brother-in-law of Putin's barber's sister goes shopping. This person in turn, has a daughter whose dog (a male), has often mounted another dog. And the owner of this dog happens to have the initials V. P. - Like Vladimir Putin! And his wife plays the cello! And and also has friends from kindergarten.

Phew. The world is right again!

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Edward R. Murrow, reporting from London, has no idea who's dropping the bombs

Child with doll after V-2 explosion. Uncertain which side launched the V-2

What if the blitz had been covered like the bombardment of Donbass? It would look like this:

Satire written -- or compiled (!) by Tom Winter
London has been suffering bombs and incendiaries now for over a year. CNN finally published a newsreel of the shelling in London, but put a crawling text across it saying "Uncertain the source of the bombardments." NPR sent Corey Flintoff to London, who confirmed that London was under the bombs, but could not tell us who was dropping them. Later he telephoned from Kiev, and spoke with a woman in London who didn't know where the bombardment was coming from either.

Another CNN newsreel shows the result of artillery shells at a major London bus stop. The voice-over says "Impossible to know who fired the shots." Days later CNN reports "10 people have been killed in the newest shelling" of London, and asks their on-scene correspondent Matthew Chance "Do we know who's doing the shelling?" Matthew Chance: "No. There's a bit of confusion about that, both sides..." And then "It was the first day of school, shells hit the school and the playground, killing four children and one schoolteacher."

Amnesty International said over the weekend that both British and German forces have been responsible for war crimes, and also accused Britain of "fuelling" the crimes. 

"As for the continuing blasts, it was unclear who had opened fire, though the explosions happened well inside territory controlled by British army and its home forces." And at a US War Department briefing: "Over the last 24 hours, there was also shelling – the shelling of a cultural center in London. "We condemn that shelling that cost at least six lives, and we express our condolences to the families of the victims. It’s, again, too early to determine responsibility for the shelling, but we call for a full and transparent investigation."  said Jen Psaki, spokesperson for Secretary of State Cordell Hull.

A war correspondent Sasha Upchuk, reporting for AFP, has been hospitalized with a wound from one of the explosions. When asked which side he thought the bombs came from, he said "it's impossible to tell." 

The Wall Street Journal reported some of the carnage in London "But they told us they wouldn't bomb London, they told us!" one woman said, in reference to Germany's pledge to avoid using heavy weaponry on residential areas. "It's a total nightmare," said another neighbor as she emerged from the mangled entryway to the apartment blocks. Many of its windows had been shattered in the blast.

The Wall Street Journal report continues: "The whistling of shells around noon local time pierced the summer silence that has descended on the city, which tens of thousands of people have fled in recent weeks.

"There was no immediate confirmation of who had fired the shells."